Relationship Concerns

During the 1950s, psychologist John Bowlby, conducted famous research on attachment styles in infants.  What he found, and what was further developed by researcher Mary Ainsworth, was that there were three types of “attachment styles:” anxious, avoidant, and secure. 

 Those of us with anxious attachment styles as adults are often thought of as the “clingy” type.  Though this word has taken on a derogatory intonation, it is important to remember that this attachment style was developed for a reason, probably during a time before the individual can even remember.  In college students, these may be the individuals who prioritize relationships over everything else including academics, recreation, hobbies, and other interests.  This individual might experience intense anxiety or depressive symptoms when not in a relationship with a significant other. 

 Adults with a more avoidant attachment style are often thought of as distant or indifferent about relationships.  What the research would later find was that even though infants appeared calm when the caregiver left and indifferent when they returned, the infant was in fact experiencing physiological distress, but had learned to mask their distress.  These may be the college students who focus solely on academics and careers.  As human beings we are social animals and are hardwired in the direction of human connection.  Immersed in the culture of academia often encourages us to focus on achievement and success while we often ignore our innate need for connection and belonging.  Additionally, a significant portion of what we consider interaction is through electronic devices via social media or online gaming.  While these may give us a sense of satisfaction in the short term, they often leave us feeling isolated and anxious when it comes to interactions in the real world. 

 It is important for us to understand our tendencies toward a particular attachment style and find ways to work towards the middle path of secure attachment.  If your tendency towards the anxious attachment style, it might be helpful to find ways of soothing yourself when you’re on your own.  Conversely, if you’re of the avoidant attachment style, finding ways of letting yourself get close to people, even when it’s intensely uncomfortable, may be in order.  This is often difficult to do on your own so making your way to the counseling center is a great place to get started in achieving more healthy and satisfying interpersonal relationships. 

Sometimes our relational patterns can make it easy for people to take advantage of us, while this is never your fault, there are some things you can look for to know if this is happening. Alternatively, maybe your relational style tends to minimize the individuality of your significant other. Given that our unhealthy interpersonal styles are often difficult to detect, the following list of relational patterns can be helpful clues in identifying whether or not you’re in an unhealthy relationship. 

It is inevitable that at some point you are going to have to deal with a break up. When that happens, you will probably experience a range of intense emotions. Our brains are hardwired to grieve when we lose something that matters to us. You’re going to feel hurt or sad when you experience a loss. Knowing this, it’s helpful to try to not avoid our difficult feelings, but rather to work towards allowing ourselves to experience grief. Allowing ourselves to have difficult feelings and observing those experiences can help us to not attach an unhelpful story to those feelings. What we tell ourselves about difficult situations can make them even more difficult. When we do this, it’s sort of like turning our pain into suffering. So work on being proactive about how you respond to difficult feelings and try to tell yourself a story about the situation that leads to acceptance rather than anger or self-loathing. Being around your friends can help be a reminder that we do matter and that others care about is when it might feel as though the opposite were true. So try not to isolate yourself too much when going through a breakup. 

If you feel like you’re getting stuck in difficult feelings and having a hard time bouncing back, it might be helpful to talk to a counselor. The ATU Counseling Center is staffed with licensed counselors who have training to help in these situations and they want to help you through it! Make an appointment by calling (479) 968-0329.